The Fifth Wall – September 25, 2015
PWP Contributor Josh.O has finally watched an episode of Total Divas, but it was something that he immediately regretted.
In case you just started watching television yesterday, Total Divas is a reality series on the E! Network that gives viewers a behind-the-scenes look into the personal and professional lives of WWE female wrestlers.
Currently in its fourth season and rumored to have already been renewed for a fifth, WWE seems to have been able to bridge the gender gap amongst professional wrestling fans by creating a show that caters more to women while not completely alienating male viewers.
And it’s awful.
Total Divas is, first and foremost, a reality show which by its very nature is the opposite of reality. Perhaps people enjoy it in the same ironic way that people enjoy The Kardashians or any other reality series for that matter. Deep down, viewers don’t particularly like the people on the screen so they revel in their misery and find comfort in yelling at the screen when the “actors” do or say something monumentally stupid.
I simply can’t bring myself to enjoy any reality TV series unless it involves a BBQ or a donut showdown. Or both. In order to sit through this madness for an entire hour, I knew that I would have to call in the services of an old friend; Old Number 7 in fact.
I haven’t eaten all day so this should be fun. The episode I’m about to watch is officially called “Clash of the Divas” and is described thusly by TV Guide: “Paige gets the opportunity to train fellow Diva Cameron, but lands herself into trouble with WWE management; Nattie sets her sister up with Big E to get her out of the house and Bryan has problems with the way Brie dresses, coming up with a compromise.”
Jack Daniels Number 1
They show a recap of last week’s episode where Paige got into a motorcycle “accident” during a safe and supervised solo ride in what looked like an empty parking lot. The accident could be described more accurately as her trying to stop and then gently falling over. Losing control and running into a tree at a
high rate of speed is an accident. Over-correcting a fishtail and sliding under a tanker truck is an accident. Careening outside the designated area of a safety course in a parking lot and landing on soft grass is not an accident.
But to hear Paige tell it (and with some clever editing and sound effects from the Total Divas production crew), she just completed a stunt for Fast and Furious 8 and barely survived. Paige and Cameron apparently don’t like each other for some reason.
Again, I’m sure the genesis of this feud was explained on a previous episode, but I can’t bring myself to Google the reason why. They are supposed to be training with each other at the NXT facility but their scrimmage quickly devolves into name-calling and hair pulling. There are several WWE prospects (both male and female) standing around watching and looking super uncomfortable as the events unfold.
In the aftermath, Paige is taken to task by WWE’s Head of Talent Relations (aka babysitter), Mark Carrano. His unenviable job is to keep young superstars on the straight and narrow so they don’t jeopardize their own careers or more importantly, the storylines in which they are involved. My initial thought while watching these segments is that Paige comes off as wholly unlikeable.
For all the fanfare she received after she joined the main roster in 2014, Paige acts more like a spoiled brat who pouts when she doesn’t get her way and threatens to go back to England, as if that would be a big loss to the WWE.
I suppose that sort of “I want it all and I want it now” mentality is a consequence of tasting success at such a relatively young age. Paige has been wrestling professionally since the age of 13 and became the youngest Divas Champion in history at the age of 21 by winning the belt in her WWE debut match, making her only the second Diva in history to accomplish such a feat. But on a roster as diverse and extensive as that of the WWE, you can’t hold the spotlight forever. Paige acts like a salty veteran when in reality she’s still a greenhorn as far as the WWE is concerned. And greenhorns are easily replaced.
Jack Daniels Number 2
Although this show was initially created to revolve around them, The Bellas are the most boring part of this show. Nikki still wants boyfriend John Cena to marry her, which he won’t. Brie doesn’t want to use the new composting toilet that super-Vegan husband Daniel Bryan just installed in their backyard.
Wait, what?
Total Divas, much like the WWE itself, blurs the line between fact and fiction. When there is a camera pointed at your face that you’re supposed to ignore, it’s hard to tell where the acting stops and the real emotions begin. In this instance, Daniel isn’t comfortable with the uber-sexy manner in which Brie dresses in public, which is more than strange considering that he knew exactly what she was and what she represented well before they got hitched.
Brie’s argument is that her wardrobe is quite conservative when compared with her sister so she borrows some of Nikki’s clothes and wears them as “proof” that Daniel is overreacting. In what I can only describe as a puzzling way to win an argument, Daniel buys and installs a composting toilet in their backyard and then shuts off all the water to the house. Don’t know about compositing toilets? They are designed to turn your waste (solid and liquid) into fertilizer thus forming a continuous circle of life from your mouth, to your downstairs mouth, to the soil which nourishes the vegetables that go back into your mouth and so on.
Sounds gross, right? Well it is gross and I want no part of it, and neither does Brie.
As if on cue, Brie’s family drops in for a visit and isn’t too keen on the idea of going to the bathroom in an outdoor shed which I can only assume has a crescent moon carved into the door. Brie ultimately relents and agrees to dress more to Daniel’s liking and he agrees to turn on the water and help her get rid of any clothes he deems inappropriate.
The compromise seems a bit lopsided to me and Daniel Bryan comes off as sort of a manipulative bully, forcing Brie to choose between the miracle of modern plumbing or a more conservative dress code approved by him.
Daniel Bryan’s irrational turn from Captain Planet into Ike Turner made me chug my drink. I’m finally feeling relaxed enough to tolerate this show without wanting to hit myself in the head with a hammer.
Jack Daniels Number 3
I now find myself in Natalya’s house where her sister Jenni has been living for some reason and Nattie is trying to hook her up with Big E. Nattie’s real-life husband Tyson Kidd doesn’t like the idea of her sister free loading for such an extended period of time and makes his feelings known in very blunt fashion. Even though this is my first viewing it’s clear to me that Jenni and Tyson have some bad blood as evidenced by the “nails on a chalkboard” look Kidd gets on his face every time Jenni opens her mouth.
As a side note, the WWE missed a golden opportunity to link up Natalya with Natural Ice beer and call her Nattie Ice.
And yes, Natalya is the hottest female in the WWE right now. Don’t bother arguing with me because you’d be wrong.
I feel bad for Tyson Kidd because his successful tag-team run with Cesaro as part of the Brass Ring Club was cut short by a severe neck injury in June during a dark match with Samoa Joe. This was the best thing Kidd had going for him as he and Cesaro worked well together.
Regardless of my personal feelings about any wrestler, it sucks when their career is cut short by an injury they can’t anticipate or control. After the spat with Kidd, Jenni decides that it’s best for her to move out. So we get a happy ending after all for Tyson and Nattie who no longer have to watch houseguests awkwardly grope each other in their hot tub.
Chug again to make those memories go away. But the idea of being in Natalya’s house was pretty great. I wonder if she likes Jack Daniels, because I sure do. Speaking of which…
Jack Daniels Number 4
Mercifully the credits finally roll and the voiceover says, “Next time on Total Divas…” and according to TV Guide, “..Nikki takes a much-needed vacation in Napa, while Trinity drags her family on an RV camping trip, and Eva is forced to choose between her career and Jonathan!”
Hey look, Eva Marie is still around…somewhere…not wrestling very well. Anyone remember that her “injury” was a rupture to one of her breast implants? I do. Anyone remember how badly she was booed by the NXT crowd back in June? I do.
Apparently she’s been training with former tag team champion Brian Kendrick in hopes of returning to main event status and competing for the Divas Championship. It seems that at least somewhat partially due to her friendship with The Rock, the WWE isn’t ready to pull the plug on Eva’s career just yet, but judging by how poorly she is being received by the modest crowds at NXT, I don’t see a big push happening any time soon.
If you’re a fan of professional wrestling as I am, stay away from Total Divas. I prefer to let these men and women entertain me with their over-the-top, fabricated in-ring personas and not allow their legitimate and boring bad-habits to sour my perception of them. I suppose it should come as no surprise that the scripted version of their lives is infinitely more entertaining than their real ones.